scribbling

Hello- I'm still here- seems ages since writing my last bit of nonsense.
I blame the Winter solstice, and that other festival that happens around this time...umm...something to do with puddings, and cheap sofas at DFS, I think.
Anyway... I finally have a new computer! and a new monitor! woo!
So- what do I find myself doing? After having spent days setting up all my techie drawing gizmos-
I go back to drawing with old fashioned dip pens-  (Hunt '102' Crow Quill dip pen, and Rowney Kandahar Indian ink, before you ask).
Sigh- ah, well- I’m sure the novelty will wear off soon- and once I’ve accidentally stabbed meself with the nib a few more times, it'll be back to the electronic drawing tablet.

I s’pose I should post a cartoon while I'm here- this one (drawn on the old PC) was in the Oldie magazine a month or so ago.

wibble

Ever wanted to give up the rat race? Work from home?
So did I- had a go at it for about a year.

I ended up speaking to the pot plants.

This cartoon is in the current Reader's Digest.
 

awkward glance to camera

A couple of cartoons in Private Eye-

This one drawn just before the computer went pop- haven't drawn anymore since.

Just as well it's Xmas- when the magazines seem to go into hibernation- so maybe they won't notice my lack of productivity for a bit. Hope to be back in the world of electronic gizmos soon, so with luck I won't have forgotten how to draw by then...

I'm sure the multi millionaire Ricky Gervais won't lose any sleep about this cartoon poking fun at his latest comedy on the BBC- I hear he's won awards n stuff- quite the success, apparently.

Look! The little bloke has fallen over! hahahahahahhaha!

Genius

 

fzzzt crackle bzzzz

Bah- everything is still broken- and i've got a bad back- it's cold outside too.
But!
The Spectator has one of my cartoons this week- woo hoo!

Speaking of said magazine- was up in posh bit of London last week for a private view of an exhibition of Spectator cartoons- held at a small gallery just off Bond Street. The cartoons were all up for sale, and a couple of mine sold on the night- so maybe i'll be able to afford to buy a new computer and start drawing again soon.

Anyway...it was a good evening out- and i met quite a few fellow cartoonists- amazingly normal and a nice bunch of people (which is odd, when you look at our dark, bitter and twisted thoughts on paper)

have you tried turning it off and on again?

my computer has gone bang...te one i use to draw my cartons-so i'm reduced to wrriting this bLog post on an old lllllllllllllllaptop###&.

Unlikelly ppp= tttthat i'll be drAwing much til i get a reppplacemnet.
Thaat ;l teach me to not use pens paper n ink.

a wizard idea...

Lawks- I haven't posted for a while- mostly due to lack of published stuff.

I'm in the situation where quite a few cartoons have been taken by magazines, but they haven't found their way onto the printed page yet.

But this one did- phew...It's in the latest issue of Prospect magazine

I will explain it- cos I know you won't 'get' it (yes, you in the blue stripy shirt, and the stupid hair).

Anyway- it's about tales of famous writers who supposedly worked their way out of poverty by writing in coffee shops. Hey, here's an idea- don't go to coffee shops if you're hard up- Five quid for a coffee and a bun?

Pah!

Hmmm...

From the latest issue of Saga magazine-

Yeah...I know, I know.
Not very PC.
But you know it's true.

(probably explains why I'm single...sigh)

cough, splutter

More Private Eye at 50 celebrations last night- it was the birthday bash, held at the Guildhall, London.

Typically, it coincided with my first cold in 18 months- brilliant. My guest also had a cold. We arrived a bit late, and slumped on chairs near the back of the hall, taking bits and pieces of food and drink that was offered us by smiling teenagers.

Ah, well...maybe I'll be around for the 100th celebration.

This cartoon is in the current issue of Private Eye- it probably might not make much sense, unless you are familiar with the new spiky shaped office building going up in the middle of London.

Shoes

This was supposed to be a clever cartoon- mixing caricature and oh so smart comment on celebrity and rubbish telly- it didn't sell of course.

Probably too blue...

I won't bother with the caption- But any idea who it's meant to be?

(No- it's not anyone from X factor)

PE V&A OK

Much fun on Monday night- had an invite to the private view of the 'Private Eye- the first 50 years' exhibition at the Victoria and Albert Museum in London. The exhibition is small but perfectly formed, and one of my cartoons has found its way on to a wall (no one noticed as I stuck it on with sticky tape).

It's on until 8th Jan, and is free admission- so go along and have a look.

Nice bit of crackling

Other than this blog, I'm not much of a social networker- I do have a facebook and a twitter, but only rarely log on to them (although, I might be using them soon to show off about some upcoming events...)

Couldn't sell this cartoon- it might be cos I'm using out of date references- i dunno- does facebook still have that relationship status thing? Anyway- that's what this refers to.

 

"...just you, me, the Cat, and a lot of floating smegging rocks"

Sorry for the lack of posts- i've been out tripping light speed with these guys- or maybe it was just that dodgy curry the other day...hmmm

This one is in this week's Spectator

Straight Outta Compton

Warm and sunny day today, and a day off from turning computers off and on, so obviously I spent it indoors- at the Watts gallery in Compton, Surrey- not far from Guildford. This gallery, devoted to the Victorian artist George Frederic Watts, has recently been done up, and no longer has rain dripping through the broken roof- which I guess is a good thing- but in a way I sort of missed the decrepit charm that it used to have.

Here's a cartoon about art- it's in the latest issue of Prospect magazine.

 

Begone pigeon

Blimey- finally finished a cartoon today- It's about time- must be down to lack of distracting pigeons outside (i think one of the neighbourhood cats has been on a killing spree).

You might have noticed I'm not exactly the most prolific of cartoonists- but looking at my records it appears I am lucky enough to have a fairly good hit rate when I do get round to drawing the bloody things- currently averaging 42.8 toons published per 100 drawn.

I guess almost 50% isn't too bad, is it??

Here's one I did earlier- In the latest issue of Saga magazine

bob state

Almost drew a cartoon today- would have been the first one in about 2 months- but I was distracted by a pigeon in the back garden, so nowt came of it- but at least I thought about it, so it looks as if I might be finally breaking free from the Summer shackles of inspiration..woo!

Here's a cartoon I couldn't sell- I'm not going to include the caption- have a go at coming up with something yourself- If it's any good I might use it- and if it sells I won't credit you- because I'm mean.

Grrr!

(Update! A magazine asked for the toon today- woo hoo! I'll reveal the caption when it gets published)

(Update 2- this one finally made it in to print- my caption, as printed in Saga magazine is......"I'll have the happy meal")

Flippin' 'eck, Tucker

Excellent! Summer is almost over!

If past years are anything to go by, this means that once the days get dark, cold and depressing I will start thinking of some cartoon ideas again- anything coming out in print at the moment was drawn ages ago- such as the two I currently have in Private Eye- here's one of them- to celebrate 'Back to School' time.

(That kid at the front of the class would be me- i have no idea how these new fangled gizmos work)

Dorian Gray

Just started a self portrait-
Man, i'm good looking-  not sure i should post the finished article- it'd just leave blokes feeling inadequate, and chicks might swoon

Cemetery Junction

There are a load of identikit whiny voiced nu-folk indie kids on telly at the mo- the Reading Festival is on. I used to go to this event quite a lot- it being not very far away from Lencartoons Towers- and I used to like music back then. And then one year I came to the realisation that I had no idea who anyone was, and that I was in the middle of a field next to an industrial estate in Reading, breathing in smoke from a thousand fires fuelled by waxy paper beer cups- so I stopped going (oh, hang on- Madness have just come on...i wonder which farewell tour this is now??).

Anyway- As I shuffle around the living room in my slippers and cardigan, I wait for the X Factor to begin on the other side...

version 1.0

Hello again- Thanks to those of you who said I should continue posting my nonsense- I do appreciate it. I don't know if other cartoonists go through periods of disliking what they're drawing...well, anyway- i do. I have decided to drop the cartoons for a bit, so that I can focus on teaching myself to draw and paint properly. I am now busy scribbling things that don't involve talking cats, psychotic pensioners or disaffected youths- and it's so much more enjoyable! I expect i'll get back to the toons again once I realise I need the extra money- but for now- here's an oldie, which i don't think i've posted previously...could be wrong though- it was in the Reader's Digest a year or so ago. (hope it comes out OK- I'm using a new editing thing in Blogger so that the pic appears the correct size)

blank

Thinking of giving this blog up- it's had a good innings. Although it's probably just because i'm in the middle of a cartoon blank spell and have nothing to post

Dunno... we'll see.

Terminal velocity

Woo! It’s holiday season! Summer's here!

So I'm told...I'm lucky if get 5 minutes away from my I.T. support basement to get a packet of crisps.
Still- who needs time off when you know you are making a difference- I mean, how will people print their monthly reports on widget production without toner?!

And anyway- aeroplanes scare me.

that's not singing, it's just speaking

Really very bored with cartooning lately- I've only drawn about 5 in the past 2 weeks...I need a change.
Not sure what to do next- I’ll either conquer the contemporary art world, or revisit rock n roll. The music thing I should probably leave alone- I've done it once before, and you should never go back.
Myself and two chums had one gig only- in the dining room of my shared house (The landlady's elderly cat being the sole witness to the horrific spectacle). After realising the most talented member of the combo was the drum machine, we decided to split up.
Still- they say the brightest stars burn out the quickest, don't they?

This toon is in the current Prospect magazine (for those of you who don't get it I’ll explain when I see you next).

no animals were harmed in the drawing of this cartoon

Couldn't sell this one- can't think why.

It's just a scratch

Back in the days when everything was black and white- and multichannel TV meant you could get BBC2- us kids would leg it out of school at the end of a day of learning all about the new decimal coinage, and head towards the 'venture playground. This would be a fenced off section of municipal woodland, where untrained (if well intentioned) volunteers had cobbled together a youthclub shack and various death trap activities (rickety climbing frames, suicidal zip wires, unattended bonfires etc). The evenings wouldn't be judged a success unless someone had trodden upon an upright 6 inch rusty nail or summat.
These day its all risk assessed activity centres and bouncy woodchip flooring.
Sigh...what chance fun, eh?

This one I drew about 3 years ago (I'm not that happy with the 'bounce' effect, or the whizz lines- but Saga magazine liked it and it's in their latest issue.

Staple jelly

This one, in the current Private Eye, in no way refers to anyone I have worked with- although, maybe...perhaps...some point back in the late 80's...hmm...???

a cartoon

Crikey- I didn't half waffle on in that previous post, didn't I...

Here's a cartoon.

It's in the current Reader's Digest.

Cheers

go team go

The court jester blocked my path- there seemed no way out.
To my left was Copenhagen- to my right, Paris- I towered above the streets- a colossus engaged in battle with evil.
A noise behind me- it was the giant Smurf- his bulk blocked the other end of the path.
All seemed lost. They knew I wouldn’t try to escape across the urban sprawl below me.
I had to keep to the one true path, and not sacrifice the tiny innocents that would be crushed beneath my M&S trainers should I try to run across the cities.
Seeing my predicament, the jester raised his head in triumph and laughed menacingly- the tinkling of the tiny bells in his jester hat adding a sinister, umm... something or other.
Without warning I span round and launched myself at the Smurf- he wasn’t expecting such a reckless move and seemed paralysed as I used his beer belly as a launching pad and jumped clear over his head.
I was away! Triumphantly I hurdled the security fence and was free! I ran and I ran and I ran- to the welcome and safety of The Castle.

Don’t worry, reader- I’m not on the cough medicine again- that was a dramatisation of when I objected to daft team-building games at Legoland- Forced against my will to go, I lasted about 30 minutes before skulking out of the emergency exit and heading off to one of Windsor's many fine pubs instead.

Here's a team building cartoon in this month's Prospect- you have to know that I've ripped off a painting called 'Raft of the Medusa' by Gericault- and that raft building is the cliché of team-building exercises.
Hope you like the pretty colours, even if you don’t find it funny.

it's got a good beat

Ah, happy times…the British summer has burst into its rain sodden freezing cold glory- and yesterday was my annual visit to Royal Ascot, where I lost on every single race.
But, I don’t care- got a cartoon in print again after too long a gap- here it is in this week’s Spectator magazine-

Standoff

from a bloke from Brazil...

Finally had a couple of sales again- phew! But, as they won’t see print for a while here’s another one of my rejects. It’s probably one of those too much ink and not enough think cartoons- I like the drawing, but I guess the gag isn’t that great. Probably too niche for the non car mag market.

In case you don’t get it- look- there’s oil underneath the car- the bloke is talking about a British sports car (you know they don’t work- let’s be honest)- there’s a fan in the garden – their hair is blowing about!!
Oh, please yourselves.

Free parking just round the corner, mate

Just saw a befuddled looking Ozzy Osbourne wandering along the High Street in Eton- with his missus, TV talent show judge Sharon steering him towards their enormo 4x4 (complete with parking ticket- ha ha).

He didn't ask for my autograph- does he have no idea who I am!?!

Anyway- an excuse for a quick caricature experiment

WinWinWin£££££££££££££££££££££££££££££'s

Another chance this month for people to come up with a better caption than mine for one of my own cartoons (not a hard thing to do...)- the latest Reader's Digest has this one of mine in the new Beat The Cartoonist comp.

You'll find it here: http://www.readersdigest.co.uk/caption.html

Show me the Monet

I'm still managing to keep up with my 'art for beginners' evening class. Last session was painting (oh dear). The thing I produced reminded me of what I used to do when I was in infants school-spilling poster paint and water all over the desk. Ho hum.

Today, not having any cartoon ideas in my head, I thought I'd have another go at art, but keeping within my limited skill set- so, here's a paint version of a design I created on the PC- it's that face thing I did a little while back- It's oil and acyrlic paints on canvas.

What the....?!!? That's not even my bloody cat! Damien Hirst had the right idea- where's me hacksaw and vat of formaldehyde?

title goes here

Nothing much to see here- move along- nowt new in print right now, so rubbish rejected cartoon being posted just to prove I'm still around.

everyone's a critic

Oh, the irony- i post yesterday about getting rejected- and today Blogspot has gone and deleted that post. I won't take it personally- It was a 'technical issue' at blogspot which affected loads of bloggers.
Not sure if I can be bothered to rewrite it- I'll wait n see if it reappears.

Roll on Winter

Pah! Load of rejections this week- nothing being taken. Ah well, at least I'm being consistent with previous Spring/Summer months. Looking at my records I can see that May, June, July have always been pretty dry months cartoon wise. But, look on the bright side- having no money means I don't have to worry about what to do with it- result!!

This was one of my many rejections from the Spring-Summer doldrums 2 years ago

Giles Wemmbley-Hogg

Here's the other cartoon I have in the Reader's Digest- don't even try to compete with my cartoon gag writing genius with this one- leave it ahht, you plum!

Many years ago I wandered about a few countries. I was one of those annoying people who, when asked what interests they had, would say stuff like, “yah, well, y’know, I’m a ‘traveller’- I’m into travelling.”
Pff!
Yeah- going on holiday- who doesn’t like doing that?
Eventually I realised it was all about one-upmanship, and how your journey to ‘The Beach’ had to be that bit more complicated and uncomfortable than your fellow traveller. Thankfully I came to my senses, and would still travel to ‘The Beach’, but I’d take a direct flight from Gatwick and rent a nice hotel room. I’d mix with Flossie and Charles from Marlborough ('yah, like, we've got this reeeely cool cheap hut to live in- it's in the middle of the garbage dump-just 3 rupees per week'), and be amazed at how they’d argue with the locals over the equivalent of 5 pence for their freshly cooked fish curry.
Oh, and the trendy parents dragging their poor infants about.. see above

Win things!

Once again one of my cartoons is being used for the Reader’s Digest caption competition.
This is what they say on their website:

“Think of a witty caption for this picture and you could beat the comedy experts at their own game. The three best suggestions will be posted on our website in by 10th May alongside an anonymous caption from our professional cartoonist. Visitors can choose their favourite, and if your entry gets the most votes, you'll receive £100 and the original, signed drawing”

You’ll find the competition here
http://www.readersdigest.co.uk/caption.html

says nothing to me about my life

I’m a bit rubbish at drawing. Without the aid of computer trickery and endless digital ‘undo’s’ my limitations are revealed. So, fed up with this inability to do stuff ‘live’, last night I started an evening class for Painting and Drawing. All I can say is that I will not be posting on this blog the abominations produced.

So- back to the cartoons- I have a couple in the current Private Eye- one ripping off a rather good artist, L.S.Lowry, and his scenes of working life in 1950’s Salford.
It’s a bit niche, this one- you have to know about how the BBC are moving some of their departments up to a new glossy location in Salford- and how some London based staff have been grizzling about it.
The magazine often pokes fun at media types, so I had a hunch they might publish it- and for once I was proved right.

No cartoon day

It's the Easter holidays and loads of people I know are wandering around interesting places- Italy, Greece, Denmark...
Hah! Fools! I stayed at home and basked in the hottest day of the year so far- rounding the day off with a last minute barbecue, using one of those disposable things you get at the supermarket.
Things went downhill rapidly- I hadn't taken into account the creatures from down the road.

Ninjas at two O'clock.


Classic pincer movement- confuse the enemy (me)


Attack! Attack! Attack!


I couldn't eat another thing.


Yum- thanks- but more chicken next time- cheers.

Strange fruit

Plink plinky plink plink, goes the ukulele- there's a bit of whistling too usually. The advert on the telly then shows an animated strawberry and/or banana pirouetting about, as a bland non threatening voiceover artist says something irritating like "Hullo. Fruit is ace. Honest. We thought we'd share our love of fruit with you. Here’s a drink we made by squishing fruits- Hope you like it (simper). We make it in a shed in our garden. Look, a fluffy bunny hops about the garden. It thinks fruit is rather ace too, don't you, fluffy wuffy? Tra la la- hello trees, hello sky..."
Plink plinky plink plink...

Pah!
We all know what the truth is - we all know that MegaChemGloboFoodIncCorp Industries(Brazil) bought you out years ago.

(This one made its way into the Australian version of The Spectator magazine.)

This ain't Rock n Roll, this is...

Got home from work early today- it's nice and sunny so I thought I'd have a hack at the overgrown garden. Five minutes later I got bored and tired and had a cup of tea instead.

More exciting instalments to come later, thrillseekers!

I see trees of green, red roses too

The clocks have gone forward and now the evenings are lighter- Summer is on its way. Sigh...
I'm not happy. I prefer the long dark tea time of the soul that Winter provides- dark moods and being stuck indoors seem to make for better cartoon thinking. Now it's BST I fear I'm at the beginning of another 'can't think of any ideas' period.
Here's a cheery cartoon about the destruction of the planet- in this week's Spectator magazine.

Zoinks!

Ha-that'll teach me.

My 2nd hand Grundig cathode ray tube telly is not well- it comes on- it goes off- it comes on- it goes off... an electronic death rattle I think. And this is just days after I posted that cartoon taking the mick out of flat screen tellies.

I fear I have upset the gods of technology (but you'd think they'd have better things to do than irritate a penniless cartoonist- losers!)

Why Don't You

Too tired to write my usual load of waffle- anyway, here's a cartoon in this week's Spectator magazine.

Quite like the style with this one, even if I do say so myself- sometimes it's good to lose perspective.

Royale with cheese

This one, in the latest Spectator, I will explain- just in case anyone from beyond these shores is puzzling over it.
Back in the olden days, us scruffy urchins would go into the local newsagents and ask for a quarter of sweets (or 'candy', if that's your persuasion) - the quarter referring to a quarter of a pound (the unit of weight, not the currency, kids). Sherbet lemons were one of my faves, but blackcurrant and liquorice humbugs were rather good too. The cheery shop worker would pour out the confection from its jar onto a set of rusty scales, and then pop the correct weight of tooth rot into a paper bag- happy times.

As the years passed such sweet shops disappeared- but for some reason they're experiencing a bit of a renaissance these days. Most high streets seem to have them now- all olde fashioned shoppe signs, plastic versions of the glass jars, and authentic bored teenagers staffing the counter.
But, you just try and ask for a 'quarter'- I tried not long ago, and was immediately thrown to the ground by an armed response unit from the Trading Standards weights and measures department:
"DON'T MOVE! HANDS WHERE WE CAN SEE THEM! YOU WILL NOT ASK FOR FOODSTUFFS IN IMPERIAL MEASUREMENTS! THIS IS A METRIC SOCIETY!"

a hundred years ago

It's been a bit of a cartoon up n down week for me- I've had quite a few takes by some mags, but they might not appear for some time- there have also been a fair number of rejections, and I'm not sure if I’m in any of the magazines at the moment- so... it's time for a dip into the archives (you lucky people).
I think the cartoon below was my first ever appearance in Private Eye- 1998 I believe.

This is pre computer drawing-I think I used a quill, and ink brewed up from powdered oak gall.
I cringe looking at the style I used then, but the joke is still one of my favourites. After this was published I pretty much gave up cartooning and only started up again in 2008- somehow I've managed to keep going this time.

OK, right, what it is, right, is, y'know, she's saying...

Surely I don't have to explain this one...?!?!

Drew this back in 2009 and it's only just been accepted and published- never give up, fellow gag cartoonists.

nothing to do with me, guv

Regular readers of this blog might have spotted a pattern- if I haven't much in print to show off about I put up one of my rejects- a cartoon I like but which never found a buyer- just to keep the blog going really, and prove I'm still here (hello!).
If I was one of those proper bloggers I'd write about other things cartoon related and not just my own stuff...

Here's a cartoon I couldn't sell.

but what would I know

Us gag cartoonists often moan about the mystery behind the decision making minds of the magazine cartoon editors- why can't they recognise the genius behind this joke!?
Well- I sometimes think this anyway- I probably shouldn't speak for all the other cartooners.
But then, I can be a terrible editor too. Often I only throw in a cartoon to make up the numbers in a batch of gags- just to make it look less threadbare. And then I find that space filler is accepted, while all the brilliant award winning stuff (in my opinion) goes in the bin.
This is what happened with this one, which found its way into the latest Private Eye- it was a last minute scribble at about midnight. Hmmm...maybe I should do more nocturnal doodlings.

Starring Corey something or other

Radical new type of cartoon for me- first double panel one- it’s in the current Spectator. Was inspired at Xmas, when telly seems to have loads of films on that won’t frighten granny, or upset the hamster. They’re either about talking alien cats from planet Disney, or 1980’s time traveling teenagers- all aimed at nostalgic parents, and of absolutely no interest to little Josh or Charlotte.

"It says it's a film the whole family can enjoy."